A Story In Some Parts

It's Christmas day. This year is different because the divide between my family is huge. My mum's entire family is here but there is so sign of my father or brother. We're a nation on the edge of extinction, and nobody seems to care about it. I know to a lot of people it may seem like I don't care and in some ways I don't... But this is my family. Christmas is supposed to be this time of joyful noise and laughter but it's without. After writing this I'll no doubt Skype my bruv. So while today is not what I expected I find myself drawing further into myself into the things I hate. I can't share the things that I love and cherish with the people that are close me, my life seems like it's on hold for these holidays. I just feel stuck... I can't even stand myself when I'm like this.

Do you remember the boy that I mentioned earlier? Well, today is his birthday and I want to reach out to him but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm so frustrated with this family dysfunction. That everything else that could be clean and a source of joy just turns to grey. I don't care about him anymore, not because of who he is but rather because of what he represents.

But you know how they say as one leaves another one takes their place. I met a girl, a friend of my sister actually. We were drawn to each other. Similar interests, metal being the foundation. But there was something about this kid. I could tell her anything, and it wasn't the alcohol. It was like looking at myself through a mirror when I spoke to her. She walked my past, she walked my present and we would walk a future together. She understood what I meant without me having to go into detail. I needed her to let me know that everything was going to be okay and that I was not alone even though people would say so. When you meet someone like this you can instantly become closer than family because sometimes time isn't the thing that forms tight bonds... experiences are.

I can't even tell you how many theories there are pertaining to my mental well being but I assure you this has nothing to do with it. I am just very conscious of the world that surrounds me and the people that play there part in it. I am a fool. People do not appreciate me. They take me for granted and lucky for me I can't be in their life forever. I will die, and the memory of me does not die in the ground with me. Some may piss on my grave as they dance on it. Other will stop and think there was more to her than I allowed myself to see. If you want to hurt me, hurt me. But please, please understand that I like you can only take so much. I will forgive you at every turn but I never forget, and forgiving you does not mean that I have to let you back into my space.

Sometimes I'm In Sometimes I'm Out

I'm feeling indifferent... about so many things. I told my mother that maybe I should have been an some kind of writer and not a lawyer but I can't seem to get her support. Ha-ha, I guess we never actually realise how much our family and their opinion really means. But, I find myself in a place where I'm starting to not care anymore. People see so much in me that I can't even begin to see. I was called authentic and to be that is the greatest compliment to another I was told I was not a sheep, a non conformist and I didn't even know what that meant. People tell me they are jealous of me and how easy going I am and how I seem to be untouched, but it wasn't something that happened over night... well, I don't think it was and sometimes I don't even realise that, that is how I am portrayed.

Just the other day I was telling someone dear to me that sometimes people look to you for strength and for inspiration or guidance and even though you might not be feeling strong and you feel like the world is crushing down on you, you have no other choice but to fake it. I'm strong, but I think people think I'm a lot stronger than I am. Maybe, I am and I don't see that, but it would be fun to just lean on someone else for a while and regain my strength.

I was really thinking about giving up on this blogging thing because it's nice to keep some things to yourself when in reality you're living your life in the open. But when I heard that my writing was inspirational to some and other could relate that only encouraged me. I know not all my work are masterpieces and that's okay because we can't always be perfect. But I guess it's just enough to get up and look forward to doing something (:

Some World In Between

I was feeling more than brave after the response receive from the boy who turned me from heartbreaker to actually changing my heart. I got what I wanted and on top of that I heard what I didn't expect but knew all along. He thought I was beautiful and intelligent. Shock horror. His words belonged to me. But a day has passed now and yesterday seems like a dream. I already feel out of touch, somehow detached. Maybe it will pass, but it seems like anytime I do something that would otherwise rattle me I'm unaffected.

However, what possessed me to write to the world today was my growing frustration with my mother. What I want doesn't matter if it isn't what she wants. She goes on singing 'I'm fighting you for you.' as if it's a bloody war cry. There isn't much more that this relationship can take. If she doesn't ease off me I could be worse than I was before. I can't keep paying back for what I did when I didn't do it her. I don't even know if she was effected, but of course she'll say she was, and that it was the hardest for her. I just hope that one day she could look beyond herself and love again, not me but my bruv. That things wouldn't always have to be about her and that she would start letting go and letting us live. She is an Amazing woman, but everyday, she's pushing me away from her world.    

The Night That Changed Everything

I've never been one of those girls who are aware of their emotions, but rather one of those girls who are detached and 'cold' but after that night, after him all of that changed. I can't tell you how it happened or why him. I just simply woke up the morning after and realised... damn I think I might really like this guy. But nothing can come of it because our whole group dynamic would change and we're different in that I have faith and he is without. He has changed my heart, I might consider dating people who are NOT Christian. That's a big thing for me. This guy must really be special. Our conversations only encourage me. If only there were some way to realise that this is in fact unrequited or that it isn't.

I'm upset because I don't care about what he says but I only care that his words are solely for me to hear. And even when someone calls me beautiful it doesn't matter because it doesn't come from him. This is stupidity at best. I am NOT like this. But this guy he not only gets me but he gets TO me. He reminds me of myself and I know that may be weird to say but I'm a different kind of person and I don't get on with everybody and not everybody understands me, so feeling so comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time is so thrilling. It's so dumb and I'm looking at this from the outside and I'm so ashamed but I haven't done anything worth regretting in a long time.

Anime and Comics

I've been out of the game. Consumed by anime and comics. Bleach (the anime) is my life in a nutshell. It's my second time watching it and I feel even more psychotic. It isn't Ichigo who gets to me it's the people who oppose him like Zaraki Kenpachi and Kuchiki Byakuya. It almost reminds me of Batman... Where Batman is defined by his enemies. Because without Bane and the Joker he's nothing and Ichigo without his opposition has no reason to live.

I get so excited!
I haven't read the manga yet after episode 366 but I hear that two of the captains are killed if this is true or not I don't know. But what I do know. One of the things that anime has thought me is that you might not be able to change the world but you can change your world and that many will cry with you but few will rejoice with you.

Oh I just got Instagram so if you're keen to follow its katie_brutality
Love & War time stories
Xx

A growing friendship

You can't be angry at somebody you never see.

Family

The week that just past including the weekend were one of the best yet. My sister came to visit and everyday seemed like a day filled with joy and adventure and not dread with me counting down the days for her departure. To top it off mum and my grandma came to see us too. Damn, the value that one finds in family. I can't even describe it.

Until we meet again (:

Friday, 29th

Today, I don't feel too encourage or motivated to motivate others but rather today I need some encouragement. There are so many opportunities presenting themselves day after day but yet I still feel empty. The pressure to always be great is overbearing. Today i had an opportunity to be one of Allan Grays Fellows and mum was so excited (considering how far I've come) which is understandable but once I realised that I missed my deadline she stopped speaking to me immediately.  She wants so much for me and I love her for that but I feel like I'm always going to be paying for the mistakes of my past. I don't want any regrets I want to be the me that I am now. The me that accepts everyone as they are that, takes the time to understand and the one that loves. I don't want to be trapped... regret is the worst thing.  The best way to describe regrets is as things of your past gripping you in your present.

It's been so busy.  You don't even see the days that lie before you. haha. But I always tell myself that there is somebody out there that will always have it better and somebody who will have it worse than you.

The Knowledge of the Truth

I can't tell you how many times I watch this video. The only obvious explanation for it is that we're so dependent on the technology that we're enslaved to that every once in a while I have to remind myself that though I am in this world I don't have to be of this world... If that makes sense. We don't have to go along with what everybody else is doing just because that's the common trend. If you want to be the one who starts a conversation on a train with a group of strangers or in a lecture waiting for the lecturer or just in an elevator with the other residents in your building just DO IT. I tell you the truth, by nature I can't stand being stuck in meaningless conversations with people I DO NOT KNOW. But there is something so liberating in just leaving your phone behind and allowing yourself to engage with all sorts of people. On my first day of doing so I meant the sweetest person. I showed her this video and explained to her that had it not been for it I would not have met her and she said. Meeting you today has told me that there is hope and it's going to be okay. We don't know who we'll meet and what impact we'll have. Just try... that's all we can do in the beginning (:

For This I Have To Apologise... Punishment is not Retribution

None of this might make sense and that might just be the beauty of it but today I bring the forth the question of morality... Today I found out that someone took one of my cards from my wallet that was taken on Friday and spent R5700. That's a lot to just give away freely.

Now while my mother is telling me about what has happened. (because our accounts are linked) my mind immediately says greed breeds selfishness and selfishness corruption... then suddenly conflicting needs and wants result in wars heh??? Then suddenly justice, integrity and ethics... judgement. Judgement of the mind, is what I'm doing acceptable to ME? That is what this person who is spending this money should be asking.... Because mortality says I can clearly see the line between what is right and what is wrong. I am able to make that judgement.

Hmm, tolerance... Tolerance is what allows so many of us to co-exist but no more. Stop with this foolishness and selfishness. Please, be better than those before you, those who condemned you those who stole from or bound you. You are free so liberate others. Let us live TOGETHER not in tolerance alone but in joy... A life after liberation.

I'm sorry guys ha-ha sometimes I say to my friends who know me when I write here a part of me in the world that we live in everyday dies and another part comes alive. I'm not too sure how to put it but I might be a fool in my passion but maybe someone somewhere feels how I do too.

The Drying up of a Well of Knowledge

I... have a question. Previously I spoke about family and how they can annoy me. But, I can too. I can piss them off and upset them and worse of all I can disappoint them. I hate that word, disappoint. When my mother says I've disappointed her in my stupidity something in me breaks. Unlike in most cases all the bad that I have ever done doesn't set me up for disappointed but disqualifies me from it. My turning over of a new leaf just makes it worse when I do something wrong. Have you felt that way? Like you've had your moment of folly and now you can't ever make foolish mistakes... I suppose it does make sense, one should learn from their mistakes but we're human.

It makes me smile when we're so focused on not making mistakes and suddenly one liners like the subconscious is always trying to please the master and wisdom locked in the mind never won a lawsuit ring truth in our ear.

Whoever you are, wherever you are seek wisdom and understanding. It is written that one who listens and follows is wise. Hold onto integrity and honesty, respect and honour. But, don't be a rat bag never allow your loyalty to make a fool of you. There is a fine line between betrayal and your friends. Hmm, it's like the drying up of a well of knowledge... (:

Oh my hell!

The topic of family, they're the best thing you could ever have but to be honest my family brings me the greatest joy but the piss me off! Oh my hell, if I could just put them in a corner and have them think about their lives for a minute. But you know what excites me it isn't just the idea of starting my own family but bringing two families together. One where there is love, laughter, honour and so the list goes on. What do you want from your family or rather what do you think of your family. My siblings are mental and I mean mental, my family is so dysfunctional but that's what I love. Because, every moment that we have together where there's no silence but there's laughter, where there's no fights between siblings and parents those are the moments I cherish. It's easy to only are the bad in our parents or our family or whatever. But, maybe we should just take a minute and ask ourselves how can I change my family TODAY.

With all my love to all the families that are "perfect" "broken" "dysfunctional" and just "different". Try to love and forgive each other like you love your friends or lovers :P

To travelers, far and near, may adventure find you wherever you are (:

As promised.

For those who are into street fashion, there's a pretty versatile blog I like to check out. They haven't been active but you can still check out their blog.

www.streetsnobz.blogspot.com

I cannot profess to know everything.

Today I wrote to my once named best friend. I hurt her just as she was in the process of hurting me. But felt at peace today. When I released her from my thoughts, from the emotions that bound me to her I was free. The piece of me that I unconsciously gave to her I took back. I believe that is common error that, when you cut ties from somebody that that's the end of their hold on you. But, time is the only way to numb the pain into a distant memory.

In essence, it is advised to push on and conquer the obstacles that have the ability to cripple us. Please understand me I cannot profess to know everything but I know from my own experiences that every moment and every experience is so important because nothing can take it away. be it good or bad, we learn from them. We are made perfect in that WE WILL DIE. Please, forget all the things that hinder you, the former things. Do not dwell on the past but move forward with a hunger and passion that surpasses all understanding. Do it for you, do it because no one else will. Do it because you are perfect.  

*Side Note*
Word to the wise. Don't expect ANYTHING because when you don't that is only when the best things are able to happen to you. Or even those around you.

Human Delusion.

I believe that by sharing feelings humans are able to set themselves at ease. It’s almost a form of instinct that prevents one from falling into a pit of fear and despair. However, in reality it is almost impossible for people to truly share their feelings. It’s simply a human delusion. Though, it may be impossible for humans to feel the exact same way. When two people care for each other and are close, their hearts are able to draw closer and ultimately this is what it means when one says our souls are one.

Oh, papa.

So, I can't even use the toilet because my father has peed all over the bathroom floor x.O

Istanbul, Turkey

I know most people wouldn't expect it but Turkey is by far the best place that I have been to. It is so rich in culture, the people are so friendly the food is so interesting (they love their egg plant) and the taxi drivers are mental. AMAZING! It is a must see.