It's Christmas day. This year is different because the divide between my family is huge. My mum's entire family is here but there is so sign of my father or brother. We're a nation on the edge of extinction, and nobody seems to care about it. I know to a lot of people it may seem like I don't care and in some ways I don't... But this is my family. Christmas is supposed to be this time of joyful noise and laughter but it's without. After writing this I'll no doubt Skype my bruv. So while today is not what I expected I find myself drawing further into myself into the things I hate. I can't share the things that I love and cherish with the people that are close me, my life seems like it's on hold for these holidays. I just feel stuck... I can't even stand myself when I'm like this.
Do you remember the boy that I mentioned earlier? Well, today is his birthday and I want to reach out to him but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm so frustrated with this family dysfunction. That everything else that could be clean and a source of joy just turns to grey. I don't care about him anymore, not because of who he is but rather because of what he represents.
But you know how they say as one leaves another one takes their place. I met a girl, a friend of my sister actually. We were drawn to each other. Similar interests, metal being the foundation. But there was something about this kid. I could tell her anything, and it wasn't the alcohol. It was like looking at myself through a mirror when I spoke to her. She walked my past, she walked my present and we would walk a future together. She understood what I meant without me having to go into detail. I needed her to let me know that everything was going to be okay and that I was not alone even though people would say so. When you meet someone like this you can instantly become closer than family because sometimes time isn't the thing that forms tight bonds... experiences are.
I can't even tell you how many theories there are pertaining to my mental well being but I assure you this has nothing to do with it. I am just very conscious of the world that surrounds me and the people that play there part in it. I am a fool. People do not appreciate me. They take me for granted and lucky for me I can't be in their life forever. I will die, and the memory of me does not die in the ground with me. Some may piss on my grave as they dance on it. Other will stop and think there was more to her than I allowed myself to see. If you want to hurt me, hurt me. But please, please understand that I like you can only take so much. I will forgive you at every turn but I never forget, and forgiving you does not mean that I have to let you back into my space.
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