A Story In Some Parts

It's Christmas day. This year is different because the divide between my family is huge. My mum's entire family is here but there is so sign of my father or brother. We're a nation on the edge of extinction, and nobody seems to care about it. I know to a lot of people it may seem like I don't care and in some ways I don't... But this is my family. Christmas is supposed to be this time of joyful noise and laughter but it's without. After writing this I'll no doubt Skype my bruv. So while today is not what I expected I find myself drawing further into myself into the things I hate. I can't share the things that I love and cherish with the people that are close me, my life seems like it's on hold for these holidays. I just feel stuck... I can't even stand myself when I'm like this.

Do you remember the boy that I mentioned earlier? Well, today is his birthday and I want to reach out to him but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm so frustrated with this family dysfunction. That everything else that could be clean and a source of joy just turns to grey. I don't care about him anymore, not because of who he is but rather because of what he represents.

But you know how they say as one leaves another one takes their place. I met a girl, a friend of my sister actually. We were drawn to each other. Similar interests, metal being the foundation. But there was something about this kid. I could tell her anything, and it wasn't the alcohol. It was like looking at myself through a mirror when I spoke to her. She walked my past, she walked my present and we would walk a future together. She understood what I meant without me having to go into detail. I needed her to let me know that everything was going to be okay and that I was not alone even though people would say so. When you meet someone like this you can instantly become closer than family because sometimes time isn't the thing that forms tight bonds... experiences are.

I can't even tell you how many theories there are pertaining to my mental well being but I assure you this has nothing to do with it. I am just very conscious of the world that surrounds me and the people that play there part in it. I am a fool. People do not appreciate me. They take me for granted and lucky for me I can't be in their life forever. I will die, and the memory of me does not die in the ground with me. Some may piss on my grave as they dance on it. Other will stop and think there was more to her than I allowed myself to see. If you want to hurt me, hurt me. But please, please understand that I like you can only take so much. I will forgive you at every turn but I never forget, and forgiving you does not mean that I have to let you back into my space.

Sometimes I'm In Sometimes I'm Out

I'm feeling indifferent... about so many things. I told my mother that maybe I should have been an some kind of writer and not a lawyer but I can't seem to get her support. Ha-ha, I guess we never actually realise how much our family and their opinion really means. But, I find myself in a place where I'm starting to not care anymore. People see so much in me that I can't even begin to see. I was called authentic and to be that is the greatest compliment to another I was told I was not a sheep, a non conformist and I didn't even know what that meant. People tell me they are jealous of me and how easy going I am and how I seem to be untouched, but it wasn't something that happened over night... well, I don't think it was and sometimes I don't even realise that, that is how I am portrayed.

Just the other day I was telling someone dear to me that sometimes people look to you for strength and for inspiration or guidance and even though you might not be feeling strong and you feel like the world is crushing down on you, you have no other choice but to fake it. I'm strong, but I think people think I'm a lot stronger than I am. Maybe, I am and I don't see that, but it would be fun to just lean on someone else for a while and regain my strength.

I was really thinking about giving up on this blogging thing because it's nice to keep some things to yourself when in reality you're living your life in the open. But when I heard that my writing was inspirational to some and other could relate that only encouraged me. I know not all my work are masterpieces and that's okay because we can't always be perfect. But I guess it's just enough to get up and look forward to doing something (:

Some World In Between

I was feeling more than brave after the response receive from the boy who turned me from heartbreaker to actually changing my heart. I got what I wanted and on top of that I heard what I didn't expect but knew all along. He thought I was beautiful and intelligent. Shock horror. His words belonged to me. But a day has passed now and yesterday seems like a dream. I already feel out of touch, somehow detached. Maybe it will pass, but it seems like anytime I do something that would otherwise rattle me I'm unaffected.

However, what possessed me to write to the world today was my growing frustration with my mother. What I want doesn't matter if it isn't what she wants. She goes on singing 'I'm fighting you for you.' as if it's a bloody war cry. There isn't much more that this relationship can take. If she doesn't ease off me I could be worse than I was before. I can't keep paying back for what I did when I didn't do it her. I don't even know if she was effected, but of course she'll say she was, and that it was the hardest for her. I just hope that one day she could look beyond herself and love again, not me but my bruv. That things wouldn't always have to be about her and that she would start letting go and letting us live. She is an Amazing woman, but everyday, she's pushing me away from her world.    

The Night That Changed Everything

I've never been one of those girls who are aware of their emotions, but rather one of those girls who are detached and 'cold' but after that night, after him all of that changed. I can't tell you how it happened or why him. I just simply woke up the morning after and realised... damn I think I might really like this guy. But nothing can come of it because our whole group dynamic would change and we're different in that I have faith and he is without. He has changed my heart, I might consider dating people who are NOT Christian. That's a big thing for me. This guy must really be special. Our conversations only encourage me. If only there were some way to realise that this is in fact unrequited or that it isn't.

I'm upset because I don't care about what he says but I only care that his words are solely for me to hear. And even when someone calls me beautiful it doesn't matter because it doesn't come from him. This is stupidity at best. I am NOT like this. But this guy he not only gets me but he gets TO me. He reminds me of myself and I know that may be weird to say but I'm a different kind of person and I don't get on with everybody and not everybody understands me, so feeling so comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time is so thrilling. It's so dumb and I'm looking at this from the outside and I'm so ashamed but I haven't done anything worth regretting in a long time.