Friday, 29th

Today, I don't feel too encourage or motivated to motivate others but rather today I need some encouragement. There are so many opportunities presenting themselves day after day but yet I still feel empty. The pressure to always be great is overbearing. Today i had an opportunity to be one of Allan Grays Fellows and mum was so excited (considering how far I've come) which is understandable but once I realised that I missed my deadline she stopped speaking to me immediately.  She wants so much for me and I love her for that but I feel like I'm always going to be paying for the mistakes of my past. I don't want any regrets I want to be the me that I am now. The me that accepts everyone as they are that, takes the time to understand and the one that loves. I don't want to be trapped... regret is the worst thing.  The best way to describe regrets is as things of your past gripping you in your present.

It's been so busy.  You don't even see the days that lie before you. haha. But I always tell myself that there is somebody out there that will always have it better and somebody who will have it worse than you.

The Knowledge of the Truth

I can't tell you how many times I watch this video. The only obvious explanation for it is that we're so dependent on the technology that we're enslaved to that every once in a while I have to remind myself that though I am in this world I don't have to be of this world... If that makes sense. We don't have to go along with what everybody else is doing just because that's the common trend. If you want to be the one who starts a conversation on a train with a group of strangers or in a lecture waiting for the lecturer or just in an elevator with the other residents in your building just DO IT. I tell you the truth, by nature I can't stand being stuck in meaningless conversations with people I DO NOT KNOW. But there is something so liberating in just leaving your phone behind and allowing yourself to engage with all sorts of people. On my first day of doing so I meant the sweetest person. I showed her this video and explained to her that had it not been for it I would not have met her and she said. Meeting you today has told me that there is hope and it's going to be okay. We don't know who we'll meet and what impact we'll have. Just try... that's all we can do in the beginning (:

For This I Have To Apologise... Punishment is not Retribution

None of this might make sense and that might just be the beauty of it but today I bring the forth the question of morality... Today I found out that someone took one of my cards from my wallet that was taken on Friday and spent R5700. That's a lot to just give away freely.

Now while my mother is telling me about what has happened. (because our accounts are linked) my mind immediately says greed breeds selfishness and selfishness corruption... then suddenly conflicting needs and wants result in wars heh??? Then suddenly justice, integrity and ethics... judgement. Judgement of the mind, is what I'm doing acceptable to ME? That is what this person who is spending this money should be asking.... Because mortality says I can clearly see the line between what is right and what is wrong. I am able to make that judgement.

Hmm, tolerance... Tolerance is what allows so many of us to co-exist but no more. Stop with this foolishness and selfishness. Please, be better than those before you, those who condemned you those who stole from or bound you. You are free so liberate others. Let us live TOGETHER not in tolerance alone but in joy... A life after liberation.

I'm sorry guys ha-ha sometimes I say to my friends who know me when I write here a part of me in the world that we live in everyday dies and another part comes alive. I'm not too sure how to put it but I might be a fool in my passion but maybe someone somewhere feels how I do too.

The Drying up of a Well of Knowledge

I... have a question. Previously I spoke about family and how they can annoy me. But, I can too. I can piss them off and upset them and worse of all I can disappoint them. I hate that word, disappoint. When my mother says I've disappointed her in my stupidity something in me breaks. Unlike in most cases all the bad that I have ever done doesn't set me up for disappointed but disqualifies me from it. My turning over of a new leaf just makes it worse when I do something wrong. Have you felt that way? Like you've had your moment of folly and now you can't ever make foolish mistakes... I suppose it does make sense, one should learn from their mistakes but we're human.

It makes me smile when we're so focused on not making mistakes and suddenly one liners like the subconscious is always trying to please the master and wisdom locked in the mind never won a lawsuit ring truth in our ear.

Whoever you are, wherever you are seek wisdom and understanding. It is written that one who listens and follows is wise. Hold onto integrity and honesty, respect and honour. But, don't be a rat bag never allow your loyalty to make a fool of you. There is a fine line between betrayal and your friends. Hmm, it's like the drying up of a well of knowledge... (: